The Chocolate War

My epiphany,
A moment of pure transcendence.
Glowed brilliantly
Through the “fog of war”.

Clearly the causes of war,
While complex are limited.
“You have something I want”,
Might sum them up.

All humans want chocolate mousse,
(We can safely conclude that exceptions
Are almost certainly extraterrestrials).
Now we have a motive for war.

Control of the chocolate mousse market,
Especially the secret ingredients
That make a vastly superior product,
Are coveted enough to bring Armageddon.

But, brothers and sisters, we need no weapons,
This battle will be waged at the UN where
A new comestibles department hold sway,
Eat Mousse Or Die, EMOD, shall set the rules.

All countries not wishing to be devoured,
Including little guys like Liechtenstein,
Andorra, and Disneyland,
Will be required to submit entries.

Six mousses per country.
A select subcommittee from EMOD
Will throw 2 pies and eat 4.
Handicaps will be given to the little guys.

To expedite the process
The select subcommittee will have 2,615,758 members.
Some will be eaters and some will be throwers.
Ten finalists will be chosen.

Based on the god-like qualities found by the eaters
And the distance and accuracy achieved by the throwers.
Members of EMOD, will, to assure honest counts,
Hold secret meetings.

Proposals for a super secure computer system,
That will correlate the results of the 2, 615, 758 members.
Will be determined on a completely objective system.
Said system when completed will be kept a secret.

UN troops, carrying fixed bayonets on very old rifles,
Will guard the central computer room by
Facing the computers for 24 hours at a time,
Ensuring that no information crawls out of the machines.


The soldiers will assure, at bayonet point, that no large person,
In foolish, if heroic, bursts of nationalism,
Throws themselves, onto a computer
In attempts to add weight to their country’s entry.

Ten finalists will throw his or her nation’s pie
At one of the adversaries.
The finalist with the least accurate toss
Will be eliminated.

After 9 rounds we will have a winner.
Should there be a serious challenge,
As determined by EMOD,
The challenger will be asked to leave.

At this point all countries will
No longer remember why or how this process began.
Not withstanding, the winner
Will require his nations pies to have total dominance.

All but the winning country
Will now plot revenge.
It is this writer’s expectation
That revenge will take the form of black market pies